(intensely sighs) What are you watching? That tire commercial. Oh the one with the cute baby? Why, you want a baby now or something? Are you serious? I’m serious. I’m being serious. Man Yeah so am I.
Okay so according to my calculations, if we have a baby, we won’t be able to eat or go on vacation ever again. Okay. We’re also going to have to cancel cable. What! No I’m out. Hey, hot stuff, wanna make a baby?.
(cheers with excitement) Why do you have leave your pee glasses everywhere? It’s for my ovulation test. Yeah, but these are our drinking glasses. I clean them out. Ugh. Nope.
Hey, sweetie. it’s time, i’m ovulating. Alright, I’ll just make it quick. It’s overtime. Alright. They have like lobster stuff, It was pretty cool. They have samples of lobster? Well it was like an imitation lobster.
was it good? eh, it was costco lobster. What are you doing? I’m keeping ’em from falling out. Nope. Okay. I’m taking off. Alright babe, love you. Love you too. Don’t jerk off.
i’m not going to jerk off. It lowers your sperm count, don’t jerk off. I know. Bye. Bye. Tell me to not to jerk off. (door opens) Forgot my phone. Are you kidding me?.
I’ve been gone like 25 seconds. Come on. It’s the dessert round. It’s got to be now. Ugh. Really helping to set the mood here dude. (phone chimes) You’re playing Candy Crush?.
yeah. Get the blue one. Nope. What are we doing wrong? Ooh what about this position? I don’t think I can bend that way. (sneezes).
7 Ways to Not NOT Get Pregnant
So you want to have sex but not make a baby? well here’s how not to do that. Peeing after sex is not an effective form of birth control. The urine exits a different whole than the sperm enters. Douching after sex is not an effective form of birth control. The force of douche being inserted into your vaginal canal can actually propel those sperm toward your eggs. Ha ha ha, and that’s what we in the business like to call a douchebaby. Let’s do a little condom math. One condom plus one condom does not equal twice the protection.
It’s only doubling your chances of those condoms rubbing together and breaking leading to what we in the business like to call a douche babyno that’s a different thing. This one’s a big ‘o’ myth: Orgasms are not required to get pregnant. Although that’s kind of sweet to think that in order for a woman to get pregnant she needs to climax in fact she doesn’t have to at all. She can just get pregnant. Even though having vaginal intercourse the first time might not be the best sex you’ll ever have in the world you can get pregnant. Now.
On to everyone’s favorite conversation topic menstruation. you can in fact get pregnant from period sex. Ovulation and your period can be timed so that if you’ve had sex on your period and sperm lives inside your reproductive canal for up to 5 days, that sperm and that egg oh they can go, ‘oh hey, how’s it going? What’s up let’s fertilize. Let’s make a fetus!’ And that’s the magic of pregnancy. Speaking of menstruation even if a girl has never had her period it’s still possible for her to get pregnant. For some girls they will ovulate.
Before their first period. so if they have sex during that ovulation, they can get pregnant and since they haven’t had a period and won’t have a period because they’re pregnant it’ll probably take longer for that pregnancy to be detected. Some women are hesitant to use certain forms of birth control because of misconceptions about them. IUDs do not cause miscarriages. The way that IUDs or interuterine devices prevent pregnancy from happening is by either killing the sperm which is what copper IUDs do or by blocking the sperm from.
Entering the uterus which is what hormonal iuds do. they do not and i repeat do not induce miscarriage. When it comes to the morning after pill or emergency contraception, a lot of people get this confused with a medicated abortion and they are not the same things. The way the morning after pill works is that it kills whatever remaining sperm that are living inside of you, which is why you’re supposed to use emergency contraceptive up to 5 days after unprotected sex or if you’ve had an incident where you suspect that ejaculate.
Has gotten inside of you. hence it is a contraceptive and not an abortifacient. for the same reason that I beat the drum about the importance of sexual consent I wanted to debunk these myths not to make sex scary but to make it more enjoyable so that while it’s happening you can devote more of your brain space to ahhhh, sex and less of it to OMG, pregnancy! Educate yourself. Be fun, have safe, blah, blah, blah laughing. This is what sex looks like people. It only twices laughing. 9 months later farting sound. They do not.